an addicts point of view

[jsparkle]

after a year of struggling with meth addiction i return to writing in my journal and i want to share some thoughts and my perspective on my addiction to crystal meth

april 8 2019

today something told me to go to my grampas house today. well, i went there because i am f****** starving and the other reasons are that i know spending more time with family who actually cares will be good for me. i hope he lets me help him out a little each day. all i want is something to do. but not just anything, i dont want to look stupid or not like/appreciate what i do. fast food, pumping gas, shitty jobs will make me hate my life even more.
so what really do i want? i am not good at prioritizing things anymore. i want everything all at once and it gets so cluster f***** that i get overwhelmed. and stressed. those two feelings then bring on what i call “the sketch” EXTREME paranoia. and there is no talking me down from being on one. I have made some drastic changes and big decisions while on a sketch (not good ones) and i am pretty sure that this is the end result of all the delusional thinking and behavior. for example: when i think i am being tracked, i disable my phone. take it apart and hide the sim card. i do not check my email, messenger, texts, calls, nothing. job notices go unanswered. appointments are missed. commitments are broken. and i have no explanation for any of it other than to say that i was “on one”, something only other meth users accept and understand to be a legitimate excuse for being a sketchy loser.
i want a job that i enjoy doing. i like the idea of picking up a trade at ACC but i cant decide which one.
i want a home that i feel safe in, that isnt empty and uninviting. i need to nurture and care. i give all my love to the wrong people which leaves me even more broken and alone. i do need to focus on myself more. i really want my own dog… my life was complete when i had dexter.
i need to eat and sleep regularly, which is few and far between
when i had actual hobbies like wood finishing, looming, painting and plants i felt good about myself. having my own place would mean that i can resume those hobbies.
exercise makes me feel great and my body needs of toning for it to be the way i want it. i am eligible for free passes at the Y but i never seem to make it there.
nothing gets done if i am FLAILING either. i get distracted by menial objects or tasks and become so focused on this, instead of what matters. for example: spending 3 hours in value village loking for a laptop charger for a computer that doesnt even belong to me. or finding a specific color of glitter for a project that doesnt exist. or trying to find a “safe place” to park for 6 hours of pointless driving. i am physically unable to stop this behaviour if i am high. there are times when i can be productive with my flailing (laundry and cleaning) but that hardly happens anymore. i am driving myself crazy. i cant sleep at night because i am terrified of the dark. everywhere i go i see evil spirits and feel someone standing behind me. i will not sleep somewhere i dont feel safe at and i am not prescribed sleeping medication. i have anxiety medication and i do not want to double that to fall asleep because i only get 7 at a time due to my suicide attempts. i am spinning my tires

i need to get back to what is classified as “normal life”

[jsparkle]

april 16

i cant say the words “i love you” but i still know how it feels. all my feelings are there but i fear hearing myself say it out loud. no one tells me they love me. i am not loveable.
friends and family do, but no one is IN love with me. that is why i want to die. i am sick of trying. i will not change for anyone but this version of myself pushes people away. no one will ever know when i love them and no one loves me.
what a sad existence. so what do i do?
more crystal meth please.

[lwoods]

Hi jsparkle, I am a mom of an addict. First, I’m sorry you are/were struggling with meth. I’ve seen how terrible a drug it is and how it affects all relationships. Did you get to see your Grampa? My daughter has told me that family can really help pull her out of a deep place. I hope you can hold on to the relationship with your Grampa.

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